Alzeimers is soo annoying!

So annoying, having a stubborn Mum is hard enough but so much worse when they have are not well and refuse to go see any doctors. For obvious reasons my mum thinks she's fine, nothing wrong with her, its everyone else that has the problem. I mean I totally get it, why in gods name would anyone want to go to a doctor for them to ask you stupid questions, like, 'count backwards from 20' or 'recite the months of the year in reverse, whilst writing your name' My mum lost her shit the other day when my step Dad said he would fix her lamp for her, as if she couldn't do it herself, I mean how very dare he offer to do something nice for her? Can you imagine what she'd do to the doctor? Doesn't even warrant thinking of. On the rare occasion my Step Dad has managed to get her to go for a blood test she just sits and literally flirts with the doctors, chatting away, probably about having to collect me and Dion from school ( coz obviously thats where we're at nowadays) and the doctors think she is positively the nicest woman they've ever met (she is) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.(there is) Smart Mum....so very smart. She then has a go at my step Dad all the way home for wasting everyones time, then when they arrive home, she's like, "that was a lovely morning wasn't it sweetie?" happy as Larry and thanks him for a lovely day!...my poor step Dad has the patience of a saint.

So we're kinda going along blind, do you really have alzeimers Mum, do you? or any form of dementia at all or are you just messing with us coz you're bored? hhmmmm

So yep, my mums 'fuse' is now even shorter than it was, and trust me, it was awfully short to start with. Many a time she would get pissed off with someone or something and an object would go flying through the house. Once it was a big butter tub...that was interesting. Clearly I didn't inherit the anger gene, in any way whatsoever, in any form, at all, not even a little bit ;)

She's beginning to forget people now too. She doesn't recognise my kids when she sees them because in her mind they are still 5 and 3 so when she sees them now in all their teenageness, she doesn't know who they are. We obviously tell her and she's like, 'no, thats not them, omg they've got so big' Then blames me for not bringing them over to see her often enough and why don't I come over for coffee, can't I drive? get a bus? its not far, infact forget it, she'll get the bus, Ok Mum, see you in ten! She still remembers me and dion at least....so far! Has no clue I'm gay, but not sure if she thinks I'm still married. I don't think she does because she's still very angry with my ex, mixed in occasionally with. 'he was so lovely' no Mum, just no!! Funny how anger seems to be the last thing you forget...(OMG I think I definitely inherited that bit)

Its so hard knowing how to deal with it all, especially being so far away. Flying backwards and forwards is a huge mission in itself, its expensive as shit, its time restricting as there's little things like jobs, teenagers, bills, life and that little side thing we've got going on called a wedding. Also the complete fear of catching that bloody beer virus on a germ infested plane, coz that wold be my luck. I'd go visit, get infected, pass it on to the oldies, kill them off then fly back and die before the wedding, Katie would be so pissed with me!

However, even with all this going on, you put it all aside and you get your arse over to see your Mama, because you only have one (thank christ, imagine having two of mine, she's a complete headcase and that's without the alzeimers) and you also know your Mama would be the first on the plane if you ever needed her. Not that my Mum 'needs' me, she thinks I'm there everyday, so much so she walks around the house looking for me and calling for me, sometimes even seeing me and having an entire conversation with me. At least the imaginary me is doing something useful! And God forbid my step Dad tells her otherwise then all hell breaks lose because she certainly hasn't forgotten to 'sulk'...( I didn't inherit that either...not in the slightest)

My Mums now at the stage where she seems stuck in the past. Me and Dion are kids (god I wish I was) She needs to get home every afternoon to collect us from school and cook for our big greek family. Please don't cook Mum. Thats been one of the hardest things I think. She was such an amazing cook, it was her life mission to feed everyone, even if you didn't want feeding (ok that bit I admit to inheriting) She could cook everything out of absolutely nothing. You'd open the fridge and see a tomato and be like, 'muuuuummmm there's nothing to eat' 10 minutes later she would've prepared a feast. How the hell did she do that? Now she kinda just throws literally EVERYTHING in the pot. If there was a small child sitting on the kitchen unit, we'd be eating that too. Doesn't even matter what it is, then she forgets she's already put 16 packets of cheese in and continues putting more. You are completely taking your life in your own hands eating anything my mum cooks now.

Me and my Step Dad got the giggles the last time I was there as we sat and ate what Mum and managed to cook. She was busying herself by the stove, kept opening and shutting the fridge. I kept going back and checking, saying yeah Mum thats fine don't add anything else, its fine as it is.....then I left. Mistake. That bloody fridge kept opening and shutting, and opening and shutting. I was scared....It started with pasta, layered with ham and cheese and chicken nuggets and ham and cheese and some mashed potatoes and ham and ham and ham and cheese and ham, some chicken goujons...think they may have been raw, more ham, and ham, and diced ham, and fucking ham, grated parmesan, some grated parmesan, some more grated parmesan, some ham, some more mash, some sauce of some sort she had managed to cook, all finished off with some fried eggs on top, layered with more chicken. goujons. Bless her, at one stage, in my panic, I text my step Dad who was in the other room on the computer., I text 'help, Mums literally cooking the kitchen' He attempted to intervene but it was no use, she was busy chopping some lettuce!!!!!

It was time....Weall sat down to eat lunch .....I was flying back to the UK that evening...this is it I thought, this is how I die, on a plane, over the Atlantic with some form of crazy arse salmonella!! I text Dion and the wife goodbye whilst simultaneously sending them a photo of my last meal. So I dished up my step Dads plate, then mine, then I was about to do my Mums when she pipes up with, 'Oh I'm not hungry I don't want any" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MUM!!!! I said, oh yes you do ! have a little, you spent SOOOO long making this delicious dish....HERE...HERE's your plate. Me and my step Dad could not stop laughing at her 'oh I'm not hungry' comment. I see what you are doing here mum....you don't have alzeimers at all, you are just fucking with us all, seeing how much you can actually fuck us all up .

Needless to say we sat and ate...cautiously....and can you believe it, that shit tasted good hahahahaha. a plate full of absolute carnage that could have possibly killed us all, tasted ok. Pretty sure we had a second helping (thats just proves I'm beyond a greedy bitch)hahahaha. I'm not doing it again this time round, I won't be lucky enough to survive a second time....not again...there's only so much dicing with death you can do before your luck runs out...no cooking for Mum!

Joking aside, it can get very dangerous, My mum was going to spread Shea body butter on her crackers the other day. Granted, it does say butter...in very small writing, next to the word BODY!!! Come on now mum, keep up, pay attention to ALL the words. She used nail varnish as lipstick, again, I can see the confusion, her lipsticks have a lip brush, so kinda the same thing. Using enamel paint as foundation though I thought a little drastic. ..seriously Mum, we know you are beautiful and can be compared to an oil painting but lets not get ahead of ourselves now. So yeah, bit worried how different I will find her on my next visit. She's still as elegant as fuck and still probably takes more care of herself with her nails and makeup than I ever have even if she does use alternative products. Its just excruciatingly, earth shatterin,g heart breakingly god awful, fucking painful seeing her like this. When my Dad was sick and subsequently suddenly selfishly died 2 months later, it was different, it happened, we dealt with it. The fear of how long and how bad my Mum will get and how we are all going to manage and deal with it and most importantly, how we can all best support my Step Dad because he can't do this alone, and we won't let him. Those things there, all so very hard.

We'll do it though, and we will all do it with laughter because thats how we roll ( I tend to roll more than the others) We will continue to take the piss out of each other, (mainly my mum with her shit memory) Me and Dion will joke about which one of us is getting alzeimers first (whilst we silently sob) and we'll continue scaring the wife (NYBN) by telling her she'll be then one left looking after us both. Ha...not so lucky now being the young buck are ya !!!

We'll do it that way because we are all so very very twisted, clearly .....

Life, its certainly a challenging mother fucker. I am now going to book my ticket to fly out to see My ever so crazy, ever changing Mama. Wish me luck.....