Life at 50 when you are Greek and Gay!!

HA!

Who said this life thing was supposed to get easier...oh, no one . Well I Just assumed things would get a little bit easier, kids grow up, you aren't needed as much ( Myth) you aren't constantly pulling your hair out making sure they stay fed and alive, (Myth) you aren't chasing your own shadow trying to get everything done before you go to bed for all of 3 hours until its time to get up and do it all again.(total Myth) ..but no!!! Here we are, at 50 and still doing EXACTLY the same, only with bigger , even more demanding teenage humans...when will this end you ask? NEVER. Once a small human exits your body, you are completely and entirely fucked forever more. Your days of thinking about yourself , eating first whilst there is still hot food to eat, showering first whilst there is still hot water...or infact any water, sitting on the comfy spot of the couch where you can actually see the telly..I mean even now I'll be the one to sit on the floor whilst everyone else is all stretched out on the couch...yep, those days will never ever come back ever again! I truly think there should be a period of mourning once these little humans enter and destroy, I think I may actually be on to something here, everyone gets all excited and has a baby shower before the birth, I really do think there needs to be a "reality storm shower " post baby.

See when you are 50 and you have been doing all these selfless acts since forever, your hormones, on occasion turn you into psycho Mum. All the chores and jobs you normally get on with and do on auto pilot, like feed the little fuckers and the household, clean, wash, do your part time cab duties, counsellor, repair man, decorator and all whilst holding down a full time job. Well sometimes, suddenly, theses little 50 year old hormones go 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GUYS' Its starts off as a slow burning bubbling resentment, you are tired and grumpy, wondering where your life went, the one where you were a real person and not Cinderella and you just want to sleep and cry and never cook ever again, but you carry on coz you don't want the useless humans you raised to starve and die. They will eventually ask, 'you ok Mum' you grunt, they ask again ; you reply, 'I'm just tired' whilst you are preparing yet another meal of the day ( sometimes there are so many) , they reply 'ok' and go and sit down awaiting said meal. Hormonal tears of anger start welling up in your eyes and you start to very gently SLAM things around the kitchen....another of the teenage species enters, 'you want some help mum' your stupid greek auto pilot hormone replies 'no hun I'm cool '....said teenager trotts off again. Now you are really mad and your psycho hormone kicks in as you apparently expect the teenage species to read your mind and remember that sometimes their Mum is a head spinning crazy greek psycho bitch that can switch at any given moment. The brother and the wife (NGH) have now sensed psycho levels off the Richter scales that are about to erupt and busy themselves by either keeping out of my way or actually helping. This normally works especially once wine has been administered!

Its a very Greek thing, we, the women, are brought up to nurture and care for everyone for our entire lives, constantly. Doesn't matter who they are, what age they are, if they are withinn a half mile radius of us, we adopt them, feed them and do everything for them, forever. Its a curse we are born with and one we will carry to our grave. Its gets worse as we get older, we turn into our mothers and get the raving hump when people won't eat. My female teen eats once a week practically, it infuriates me. Like today for example, I've asked about 37 times if she's hungry, what she wants to eat, offered to cook various meals, even order in ...but no! apparently she's not hungry...wtf, why is she not hungry, why am I ALWAYS hungry? please eat and be fat like me my pretty little female spawn 🤣🤣.. Its so annoying when I've cook , and yes I may cook a lot but it fucks me right off when its not all eaten, like all of it, everything, like what the fuck is wrong with you people, why are you not eating, please please don't leave any food because I will feel compelled to eat it and thats never a good thing, you unsupportive, non eating, skinny little fucktards!

Hormones, they have a lot to answer for. I only have to think about food nowdays and I swear I put on weight. I actually shut my belly in the kitchen drawer today...I mean who does that? how is that even possible, when did that happen to my belly, I eat less now than I used to (probably a lie) but it feels like I do. Normally I could shed half a stone in a week, 10 months later and I've put on 11 pounds. The wife (NGH) puts this down to me not exercising, what she doesn't understand is, I'm broken! I have spastic hips ( another thing I mourned the loss off after the tiny humans took control of my body ) and apparently something called hyper mobility of something or other, basically means I'm bendy (broken) and I really don't like feeling pain which is what happens when I exercise...pain! Pain during and pain for days after....why? Its just not enjoyable. She may bounce around like a lunatic but just wait till she gets to my age (old) and her knees are broken or she has a frozen shoulder due to over use or wear and tear of vital ligaments that hold your body parts together that she's been torturing all these years, I wasn't always .this broken you know, I used to be a gymnast back in 1910.....but will she listen, will she fuck 🤣🤣🤣

Being Greek and Gay is a whole other entity entirely because apparently normal Greek people aren't gay...errrr hello, pretty sure we invented it with old Alexander the Great back in the day. Some people still have a hard time coming to terms with MY sexuality, like it affects them in some way. Its quite funny, like don't worry, I'm still the same person, I just fell in love with a person that doesn't have a penis coz that didn't really work out so well for me first time round . To be fair its mainly 'ex' people that have the problem, the ones that like to put the blame on someone but hey, 12 years on guys, get over it, go gossip and talk about someone else more worthy of your time, I've got some gayness to be getting on with.

Also since hitting the big 50 my tolerance, of which I had absolutely none to begin with, is now at an all time negative. Especially when the 50 year old psycho hormone is in residence. Toast not fitting in the toaster properly, what kind of fuckery is this, my tea tastes shit (Im shit at making tea) I want to cry, then throw the tea, someone says something slightly out of line and I'm single handedly ripping their heads off with my tongue and burying it in the garden, the kids next door screaming (currently) I want to throw objects at them from over the bushes whilst screaming back, shut the fucking fuck up, no one will know its me! Every morning when I try to find something to wear and every item of clothing I possess does not fit, its literally the end of the world, every goddamn single morning. I lost it with the stapler last week. Yep, that vindictive little plastic piece of shit. Used it once, the staple bent, used it twice the staple bent, did it a third time, the stapler went flying across the room and we haven't spoken since, the papers are currently being held together with the very obedient celotape.

The wife (NGH) is the main one who suffers the 50 psycho hormone. I can go from happy, jokey, life is so wonderful, I really do adore you, to moody, silent, grumpy, its the end of the world and I fucking hate you, move away from me now, in under 10 seconds, all because she didn't want a McDonalds or a glass of wine.....rarely the wine I have to admit but still, wtf is wrong with Mcdonalds. I will then continue to sulk for at least 45 minutes minimum or until the psycho hormone has been distracted at least, normally I just transfer my grumpiness onto something the teen humans have said or not done, my moods are anyones guess nowadays, I'm just as surprised as everyone else is as to what mood is about to show up. Waking up in the morning is so exciting, am I grump today, deliriously unnaturally happy, who the fuck knows, I am always always hungry tho, thats a given, but the moods, its like fucking Russian roulette. Have to say tho, I'm not alone in these moods, they must be contagious, the Wife (NGH) had a tremendous morning mood on Friday, I kept well out of her way . Lunch was being violently made then unmade then remade. Stomping and tuts were going on, stress levels were rising....and as I waved goodbye, ( I didn't coz I was scared I may have waved wrong) I silently whispered to myself, thank fuck you are going to work today. And now she's home for 6 whole very long weeks....I'm not sure who should be more scared, her or me!

Well here goes, summer 2020 with the 50 psycho hormone ...good luck everyone

#lesbianmum #50yearold #hormones #menopause #greekmum #greek