Mums, Daughters and Turning 50

50....its just a number right? Yeah its a big fat round number which is exactly what I've turned into...round!! I mean, who made it impossible to lose any kind of excess weight after you hit 50? Its like you are attempting a major miracle. It took me 3 weeks to lose 3lbs, and yes, I was feeling very proud of myself, I thought I was at least halfway to my supermodel look I was attempting. It was so hard to lose 3 shitty pounds, it felt more like it was 3 stone, the amount of effort it took. That weekend I ate 'normally' went out, enjoyed myself with a nice meal and a bit...ok a fair bit....ok ok a shit load of wine and put on 5lbs ...WTAF! This is cruel and unfair.

Exercise...echoes that bloody woman who keeps trying to become my wife! You need to exercise...(then she wonders why she not actually my wife yet) OK, I can do this, I did it before, I used to go to the gym 4 times a week before the kids killed me, I can do this again...so I Got some of those exercise band thingies that you can step on and pull up to exercise your arms. I got the ones with handles, you can even shut them in the door for extra resistance and do all sorts of fun things with them...fabulous....yeah, all well and good until the handle breaks off and nearly takes out your eye! Stupid idea...

I then got that waist trimmer thing, you know the one like a hula hoop, that plastic thing that has a ball attached to it and you can clip the links off as you get thinner..brilliant, enjoyed that for a while, until the thing burst open from the intense force of my fat waist and the ball went flying across the room taking out several items and nearly killing my cat!!...another stupid idea

So I thought walking would be good, cant damage anyone or anything....I cant do sit ups anymore which I used to love and could also do loads of them as I have split all my stomach muscles so thats disgustingly gross....walking was best...yes...walking is good....you would think.

That too hurt like a fucker, I did start walking, quite a bit, but my feet killed the next day . I thought It was my shoes , so though I should really put my trainers that I wear once a year....nope till hurt...its clearly my feet.....then I remembered.....

I went to the doctors a few years back as I kept getting intense pain in my foot and my joints continuously hurt....long story short, this GP decided I had hypermobility of my joints, (I am very bendy but I put that down to being a gymnast from the age of 5) She also said I had this thing called plantar fasciitis...plantar what now?? why does that sound like I have some fungus disease from a plant! In layman terms I have flat feet....wtf, how rude, my feet aren't flat, they are positively 3d and look fine to me...except they hurt a lot when I move, like painfully hurt lol!!....sooooo walking isn't that much fun either....unless I have special ankle supports and foot arch paraphernalia bullshit, I mean who can actually be arsed? Clearly not me...see, there are reasons I'm 'round' . My wanna be wife pipes up occasionaly, 'babe you should do my workout, they have the moderator one' oh you mean the one for fat broken people, nice....in all honesty that would even probably kill me. Ever helpful is my wife (NYBN)

Its weird being 50. My life is now changing cycles, my Mum who is 80 next year is changing daily due to that mother fucking Alzheimers, which in no uncertain terms is incredibly painful to witness, especially being so far away. Then there's my beautiful daughter who is about to turn 21 and is beginning her whole life, so many new experiences ahead of her, going to Uni, meeting new people and learning new things, how exciting. 3 generations, entering 3 entirely different decades and stages of their lives.

Lets start with my incredible soon to be 21 year old. Another milestone I'm managing with not really the people with me that should be as excited as I am about her, as deep in planning as I am, as in love with my girl as I am.

My mum barely knows she exists anymore, My Dad never got to meet her, her auntie and cousins who live not far from us haven't cared for a long time, her other Uncle never cared and her Dad, the only other human who should feel like me as he helped make her , is not here either. I always get emotional when its my bratts birthdays, especially the milestone ones, ever since I fell out with my family I guess. They loved my kids and always made a fuss of their birthdays, would help organise and show up and generally love them, I miss that, I miss people loving my kids as much as me. Funny tho how that love can just stop.

I suppose thats why I overcompensate so much, their birthdays always bankrupt me and exhaust me, but they will have the best birthdays ever even if it kills me :) ( this one may very well do so) I'm all they need. Thankfully I have a partner who has a family who love my kids.

The thing is, when your kid is turning 21, its all change. Its huge, its 21, something my child doesn't get, she thinks 20 should be the celebration age as you are no longer a teenager. Simplicity in her thinking that makes complete and utter sense.

In her 20's I've tried to worry less..(.nope, not worked.) I've tried to not need to know where she is every second of every day (never gonna happen) I mean, she's 20 after all, she could have moved away and be living on her own, starving to death, she could be living on campus, starving to death, she could have worked abroad, starving to death. I really need to teach this kid to cook more. .....Oh wait, I need to go sort her lunch out before I go to work...back later!!

Ok...food sorted, she won't starve today whilst studying...not on my watch.

Anyway where was I..... ah yes, I've also noticed that I appear to know nothing...according to said almost 21 year old and her male 18 year old sibling. Im so glad I filled them with such immense knowledge over the years that now they both know absolutely everything. I'm not even joking, ..apparently, I don't even know the English language, its entirely different to the language I thought I knew all these years of actually...well actually speaking!!!! Sometimes when I talk ,my female child will just look at me in confusion (not the male child as he ignores me) Sometimes, truth be told I do just stare at her when she talks, wondering what she's looking at , when she then informs me she's actually waiting for a reply from me when all along I have already replied to her, only in my head, mostly saying huh?what? I don't understand! I need to learn to communicate better.

See trying to communicate with older offspring, whilst thinking you are also possibly perimenapausal is like walking a tightrope, blindfolded, with no feet whilst feeling like you are burning from the inside out in an inferno where everyone else is cold.

The Grown up offspring now have this buzzing independent lifestyle , which you are trying to keep tabs on whilst showing just enough interest in what they are doing so that it doesn't look like you are questioning their every move, or showing too much interest where they accuse you of being controlling. Trust me, this is dodgy ground. If you don't ask enough , because you are trying to be a hip cool, 'I'm not worried, you are fully grown', kinda Mum, you get accused of not actually caring... and if you ask too much, you are interfering and nagging and are a 'you need to let me go' kind of suffocating Mum. Theres a very very fine minuscule line....you might be lucky if you get it right once or twice in the 'my kids are now grown and know everything' era. This, coupled with my over emotional perimenupausal hormones which make me cry and think Im not loved anymore, I'm surplus to the Mummy market, my life has no meaning, I now have no existence worth living, dramatic Greek kinda style Mum....its really fucking hard.

Saying all that, I'm so proud of my teeny little crew. My cuntlings are almost fully grown ( they are never fully grown if you're a greek Mum) And I am immensely proud of them, especially the way they know absolutely fucking everything, its amazing. I'm extremely excited for the upcoming 21st celebrations, I have planned to within an inch of my life so much for her to enjoy...its like its my birthday :) My little best buddy who was hyper active and so so crazy, has now grown up to be my best (still little) buddy who is still hyper active, intensely crazy and makes me laugh absolutely all the time...when she's not knowing absolutely everything lol

So....My Mum...well here's a whole different look on life from the 21st perspective. Different ends of the spectrum. My female offspring reminds me of my Mum, and also my Niece, such massive energy and crazy zest for life whilst always looking amazing. Sadly me and my niece don't talk anymore but my god she would've adored her cousin. They are all so similar in looks and style and aura. They have a vibrant aura. My Mum, everyones one lasting memory of her is vibrant, stunning, always impeccably dressed, makeup always done, never without nail varnish., she was and still is , the epitome of elegance and womanhood....I was such a disappointment hahahahaha!

There was one time she was in hospital having a major op and the first thing she said when she came round was, get me my nail varnish. Incredible. Now, its a different story, amazingly she still does her nails, just like her Mum before her who also had Alzheimers, only sometimes she uses lipstick on her nails and nailvarnish on her lips....still works in principle..kinda, she might die of poisoning but at least she'll look fairly decent! When my Mum sees photos of her young protogé she refuses to believe its her, in her mind , when she's reminded she has a granddaughter, she's still 5. She then smiles and says she's beautiful then trails off into some other existence. Its hard not sharing my kids with my Mum, goddamn it , my kids have missed out on so much.

My Mum always used to crisitse me if I didn't have lipstick on...more often than not I did have lipstick on just a pale colour which she used to delicately tell me made me look dead! It doesn't go with your complexion and put some mascara on and have you brushed your hair...you used to have such lovely long hair...jeez thanks mum....this was from a woman that didn't let me go anywhere near makeup until I was 18!!! Its her fault I'm like I am now...She was right though, I did have lovely long hair, once....now when she sees me, which hasn't been for a while, she asks me what happened to my hair and am I not cold. Oddly I find myself saying similar to my female spawn, especially when she cut off her beautiful long long hair...oh god I am my mother.

One thing I know, if my Mum was well, the fun the 3 of us would have together. Now all being older , it would be the best thing ever. I'm blaming my Mum

Life changes us in so many ways and reflecting on our 3 generations of crazy we are all still smiling, all in our separate worlds of womanhood. Theres things I love about being over 50..(now Im 51 I can say that)

I love that I can look at all my hard work and struggling bringing up my brats and see how fabulous they are and how all the blood, sweat , tears, tantrums, object throwing, people hating and extreme cursing....(all from me) has paid off, the two little humans I created and brought into a world which I later fucked up for them (with their Dads help) are now, only mildly scared amazing young adults...go me.

I also love that I have more time to do things I enjoy doing....ok that bits bullshit as I am running two jobs and barely have time to eat...ok thats bits also a lie as I always find time to eat....ok scrap that...let me think of something else I love....

I love that I'm never cold...like ever..( gotta find some positives from those fucking hot flushes) always toasty me :)

I was gonna say that I also love how I don't give a shit what people think like thats come with age but no, I've been like that since I was a kid, when a family member slated me to my Dad saying no one will marry me the way I dress...cheek, he told them to fuck off and how I'm never to change for anyone....bet he's regretting that little nugget of advice now

Ah, Ive found one....I can get pissed with my kids...yes result! its fab being over 50